As more and more details are reveled about Assassin’s Creed :IV Black Flag I am getting more and more excited, and I decided to write a guide that will help you guys start to get into the Pirate mind set. Now while getting Scurvy, not showering till the game comes out and sleeping with wenches is probably the best way to do it, I can’t say my lifestyle is for every one. So there are simple things that you can do by October to be officially recognized as Pirates.
1. Fly your colors
You must own a Jolly Roger and it must be hung on a wall or flying proudly from your vehicle. This turns out is a lot harder to do successfully on a motorcycle then I had anticipated, however I still have a Jolly Roger flying on my wall in my room. If you do not know what a Jolly Roger is then you will never be a pirate and I am sorry for your future sad existence.
2. Dress the Part/ Act the Part
Don’t throw away some of your shabby clothes instead just get an eye patch and a captains hat or bandana, even if you look stupid no one will mess with you, I mean you’re a pirate. Make sure to use as much Pirate jargon as you know, and if you don’t know that much just make it up. People shouldn’t be able to understand a word you say anyways.
3. Listen to the Music
Any kind of pirate music will work and you lucky land lovers I have even provided you a great band to start with Alestorm, I prefer to listen to Pirate Metal as all true pirates prefer this genre of music.
4. Drink….A Lot
This one is pretty simple just drink when you can preferably it should be rum, however ale, grog, and beer are also accepted forms of Pirate Alcohol…. Actually you know what? Make sure that when you do drink you drink A Lot….. Actually if you are awake you should probably be drinking, ya so you know drink.
This is the most important part in order to be a Pirate you must have some form of facial hair, mustaches don’t count… for anything…. Ever so stop growing them. The AAP ( association of awesome pirates) accepts any form of neck beard, full beard, Muttonchops and MuttonStache (it’s actually a thing. google it). Ladies now lets be honest most of you probably could grow some form of facial hair, but besides Zach no one wants a hairy wench so you are not expected to follow this rule, however the last rule, rule #6 is for you and all of us men love you for it.
6. Cleavage… The Bigger The Better!
Sorry ladies you knew it was coming, you may not have to grow a beard but get ready to bust out the corset. In order to be a proper wench you got to sell the goods, I mean how else are you gonna get drunken mens money…. You know what ladies never mind all you would have to do is say hello, but that’s not the point so if you want to make your favorite pirate happy and all of the other pirates jealous bust out the…bust (sigh ya that joke was really bad).
Anyways if you follow these steps I can promise you will be as much of a pirate as I claim to be, and really at the end of the day isn’t that all that matters. See you on the seven seas matey AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!